Tick...tick...tick...

When discussing tempers today, I described myself in the following way:
"I usually have a very long fuse, but when you reach the end of that fuse, there's a very big boom."
I can feel the boom edging very near.
The past week or so has been incredibly frustrating. I feel like all things school are falling down on me at once. As if working a full time job isn't enough, I'm also attempting to complete an independent study course (communities and crime... the worst class ever) and work on the required papers due for my internship. The internship, by the by, is going swimmingly. I work with some really great people and get to do some very interesting things. But back to the papers, which in themselves are huge wastes of trees. We have reaction papers due every now and again where we turn in batches at the time. The next deadline? 8 papers are due. EIGHT. Oh and then there's the research paper that has random little deadlines of its own. The first of which, I forgot because of business at the agency, but when finally turning in my proposed research topic, I get a reply only to get it CRUCIFIED. So I've done a little more investigating, talked with various agents at work, and changed my topic to something a little different. I emailed that in just to get a general "ok" before I dig in and get started, and yet again I'm answered by another venomous email. This time it suggests that I must not understand how to do what I'm supposed to be doing. Which, truth be told, the research methods class I had was not only 2 years ago, but also the Psychology version, not the Criminal Justice one. Great. I want to send back a seething reply, but since that would be both rude and disrespectful, I won't do that. Not to mention that this person holds the power to blow my grade to pieces. So this is the intro paragraph containing what I would like to say...
"Dear So-and-so,
Apparently I'm not the only one with misunderstanding. The student manual eagerly suggests that we should ask questions whenever we have a problem or need advice on something. That was the premise of my last email. I in no way had the intention of letting brevity or lack of full description of my topic suggest that I am naive or unintelligable concerning this project. I simply sought your professional advice concerning my research before I begin and get knee deep in it. "

Anyway. And for the record, I'm sick of hearing the F word 17 times per minute. Well, actually any cuss word. Really. Is it necessary? I'm tolerant of most anyone, and I completely understand that we all have those kinds of days, but everyday usage... every minute usage for that matter, is really unacceptable. Especially when you're in a work-related situation.
I'm tired of working on school assignments and never feeling like I've progressed any. I'm tired of having them thrown back in my face and then talked to like I'm 12. I'm tired of school in general. I'm tired of having to answer the question, "So... what are your plans after you graduate?" Are you wondering too? I DON'T KNOW. Nothing to do with school I hope. I honestly wouldn't mind a complete change of scenery. Maybe I should take up art lessons. Join the circus. Start acting. I don't know. But I do know that what I'm doing right now I HATE. I feel this constant tremor of anxiety because my greatest fear is that I'll not be what I want to be, or even more what I could be. Not that I won't make lots of money, I don't care about that. It scares me to think that I may one day just settle in some job because of its convienience and forever will wonder what could have been.
Summary: Being surrounding by so many negative people is really taking its toll on me. My lack of progress in all things academic is also wearing me down. I want to go home. I want to move away. I want a furry animal and a beach. And a boyfriend. This is the most pathetic thing I've ever written.
semi-vented,
cmm

"Gah-denbuhhger? Eww..."

I am so sleepy right now. It's 8:45, and I'm looking forward to bedtime. I think it's probably because I should be doing school work right now, and I have zero motivation to do so. I begin my first full week with the GBI tomorrow (my mystery internship). I don't even know if I'm supposed to say that. Ooops.
Catherine and I dined at Agua Linda and are now suffering from a cheese dip overdose. But what can you do? It was delicious and good company, as always. Plus her bangin' car has seat warmers that put me in a nirvana-like state every stinkin' time.
So I have seen Twilight 4 times in the theater. And I want to see it again. This could be the reason why... Ya ya. Where do you get one of those? England, I suppose. Note to self...
I'm trying to rope Meghan into a Spring Break adventure with me. I keep checking in with airline prices, trying not to miss any good opportunities. She seems game for it, but can't give me a definite yes yet. I had an awesome time with her and Chris Saturday night. We had dinner at Chili's, which was fabulous as usual. Friday night, I got home late from work (6:30 to be exact), so I rested and ate dinner then Kimberly came over and hung out for a bit, which is always nice. All in all a good weekend. Now back to the ol' grind.
Hope you have a wonderful, not-so-manic Monday.

The Lack Thereof

It's a rather dark today in this part of Georgia. My mom and I took our precious baby, Willie (see earlier posts), on his very last vet trip. He really seemed to be declining more and more each day. We would find him laying around, breathing heavily, often near an area of blood spatter which came from an unidentified source. It was a pitiful existence, yet he wouldn't just give up fighting and pass away. It was the last gift we could give him... his peace. He was restless in the waiting room, itching to get down and feebly walk around. He finally laid down a little while I held one of his paws, and he finally gave me the other one and rested his face on my touching hands. Still so sweet, purring up a storm, and swishing his long tail. When we went back, he wouldn't go down without a fight, as expected. The doctor gave him something to calm him down, and as it spread through his tired and frail little body he grew heavy in our hands. He laid his sweet face in my left palm as the rest of his body slowly slumped to the table. He was perfectly still now, which facilitated the last step in the process. The doctor said it would take about 10 seconds to work, and it did. It was very peaceful. Within seconds, his old furry tummy ceased in its up and down movements. The vet checked his heartbeat all over his sweet body just to make sure. So we covered him up in a summer kitty cat beach towel, and I held him and loved on him the rest of the way home, my tears rolling down my face to wet his fur. When we got there, we took him to our animal resting place where Buzz was already located. Buddy, the dog, knew something was up and kept smelling at the beach towel. Then out of nowhere, Bean (my rather nervous girl cat) materialized out of the woods to check out the situation, which is really unlike her. So I knelt down and uncovered Willie a little so they could see and sniff. Buddy sniffed for a long time and didn't like it a bit. He laid down with a troubled look in his eyes, probably upset that his lifelong companion wasn't like he should be. I covered Willie back up and put him in his grave, only to look to my left and see Bean leaning against me and peering into the hole. They definitely knew what was going on.
I had a feeling today that I haven't sensed in a very long time. The void in my chest that I'm usually only subconsciously aware of surged today as the emptiness grew a little bigger. I don't really talk about this much to anyone because it's too real and makes me sad. I have the sensation of having a physical heart; one that beats at various paces and sustains my life. But the less literal sense, my emotional heart, has been gone for what feels like a very long time. It's been beat up and scarred by the carelessness and mistakes of others to the point of damage beyond recognition. I haven't felt anything there since my last minor romantic entanglement, which held a hint of revival only to quietly disappear again. That part of my life has been long gone... for years now. Despite the horrible way all of this sounds, I'm generally a happy person on a day to day basis; attempting to practice gratitude and follow what gives me joy. But no matter how happy and blessed I feel, there's still this numb emptiness in my chest that used to brim to the point of overflow. I don't discuss it because I see no need. I wait, as patiently as I can, until the Lord sees fit for me to have it beating again. I look forward to the day when it will surge with happiness and every positive superlative imaginable... like it once did. And if that day never comes, I pray that He'll give me enough grace to learn how to live without it.
It's both a blessing and a curse to feel things so passionately. It's the reason why I don't do things halfway. I never want just a little bit, I want it all.
I miss you today, where ever you are.

holidazed

This time a year always brings a full onslaught of emotions from every end of the spectrum. It's an amazing time to spend with family and other loved ones, regardless of which holidays you celebrate. And now, as we are officially in the new year of 2009, we embrace a sense of newness and a fresh start that holds opportunities to do things a little (or a lot) differently this time around. 2009 always seemed so far away. When I began college in 2005, I became a member of the undergraduate class of 2009. 2009? That's forever away! And here it is. The closing of another adventurous chapter in this life, only to give way to the next. The uncertainty is overwhelming. Hindsight always lets me look back on the previous year and try to comprehend how much actually happened and how little I expected any of it. Ahh the intrigue of a new year.
So here's to you, new year. I look forward to any good graces that may be directed this way and please be gentle with with the tough stuff. At any rate, I'm thankful to be here, alive and well.

here we are now. entertain us!

I am appalled by my own slack-ness. It's been almost a month since I saw Jason-the-love-of-my-life Mraz, and I've yet to comment on how wonderfully stellar the whole thing was.

Factor A) Molly and I got there super early to wait outside in the cold/rain. Was I bothered? Oh no. Much to my delight, there was a parking lot LITERALLY right beside the Tabernacle. I'd already paid for a parking permit in another lot, but in downtown Atlanta, I figured that paying a little extra was worth the peace of mind that my car and its belongings were safe. So I drove into the parking lot purposefully going the wrong way so I could park right in front of the tour buses. I kid you not. I had a hard time backing up to leave because I was so close.

Factor B) Lisa Hannigan. Hailing from Ireland, she is a delightful breath of fresh air in a musical sense. She has a precious accent and a beautiful voice to match. I really hope her music takes off because she is really talented.

Factor C) Jason Mraz is delicious beyond reason. When he came on stage, I screamed at a loudness and pitch that has been absent from my capabilities since I entered teenagehood. As soon as I saw the gorgeous creature, I clasped my hands together, bent my knees, hit Molly, and screamed multiple times. Now I realize that the maturity level was a little lacking there to say the least, but I couldn't help it.

Factor D) We were so stinkin close. I was about 10 feet away from the aura that is Mraz. He plays barefoot, which I love. There was some ukulele funk, some of my favorite songs, and some "Dynamo of Volition" choreography. This night falls into the top 5 of my life for sure.

pensive and a little sad.

Just a little check-in to let everyone know that I, in fact, am NOT incarcerated for doing something to or near Jason Mraz. The concert was un-stinkin-real. I'll have to do another blog about that though because it certainly deserves to be the only subject. Plus I left my camera cord at home, otherwise, pictures would be up days ago!

I always am prone to blog more when under stress and looking for an outlet for procrastination so I'll probably be checking in more frequently. Next week is finals time, and miraculously, it looks like I won't have any finals to take during the actual week designated for such beastly acts of torture. Either I've exempted the final, it's optional, or something has been scheduled during the week before (this week). So it's pretty rockin because I've never managed to get out of finals week unscathed. And I do mean literally. I don't get stressed out that often, but when I do, it's serious and likes to manifest itself in making my face and neck itch (weird, I know). At any rate, I have an Addiction test tomorrow and a Neuro test on Friday. I'm not particularly worried about the test on Friday; in fact we developed a study guide today IN CLASS. However, tomorrow I'm a little afraid of. That class has been rather hard for it only to be an elective... AND you don't even have to be a psych major to take it.

In other saddening news, my dear baby kitty Willie, who is at the ripe old age of 17, isn't doing well. He's been hard of hearing for a while, and Mama seems to think that he has little, if any, eyesight. He struggles to walk. He's literally like a little old man.
Here he is with his Easter hat on a couple of years ago.

He has something funky going on with his hair too. During the summer shedding season, his fur just kinda built up around him, and we had to pull it out for him. Now it's trying to grow back in for his thicker winter coat, and he looks lumpy. Poor baby. Anytime Mama mentions something new, I almost cry. I don't want the poor thing to be in pain or scared because he can't see. It's been almost a year since we had to put Buzz down because of cancer. I'm not sure that the animal clinic is ready yet for another Moore family emotional breakdown over a fur baby. This one will be bad too... he's like the 3rd child! He's not but 2 years younger than my sister! If he was a human, he'd be a senior in high school. Well I guess when you translate the kitty to human years, he's probably closer to in his 70s haha. My gracious I love him. Here is his "Thompson Potter"/ kitty wizard halloween costume. The hat didn't stay on very long though. When I was little, you know... when life was SO difficult... I would go sit on the porch swing and he would come jump up there with me and lay beside me while I talked to him about all my "problems." He is a very good listener. For those of you who don't talk to your cats, give it a try. Unlike men, they actually listen. Willie has been present for every big celebration: turning 16, all 6 proms between me and K, graduating high school, leaving for college, helping me study for tests by sitting on top of my books. Poor thing, he loves to sit on something. If you lay a piece of paper down, he takes off for it. He especially loved my college biology book because it was big and thick so I'm sure he felt like a king on his big throne. He likes to lick doritos. Oh what was it that I gave him over Thanksgiving... a little piece of dessert or something. He and Buddy (the dog) both enjoyed their little snack. One thing I'll never forget was the day we took Buzz to the vet for the final time, we found Buzz and Willie both in Willie's house (which they would never normally do). They were sitting upright, side by side, almost like they were talking. We all think that Willie knew what was wrong and what was gonna happen, kinda like he was saying, "it's okay Buzz." I hope we don't have to do anything to Willie, I'll miss that ole thing so much. "Brrrrrrruh!"

Now that I'm depressed, I'm going to continue to sip my vanilla tea and begin studying addiction. Yet another enlightening subject.
Random thought: If you used to be pensive, are you ex-pensive? haha.

gracias.gratzi.merci.

Lots of wonderful things have happened since I last checked in. Yesterday was my lovely mother's birthday! A holiday in itself, no doubt. I told her today that it was very interesting that her birthday falls very close, if not on the actual day of Thanksgiving. What better way to celebrate the female force that brought you into this world? At any rate, Madre has been on this earth since the year of our Lord 1964. I'm super thankful for that special lady and for all that she does for this family. Blessed be the tie that binds. I love you tie :)

Speaking of thanksgiving. I realize that we celebrate once a year partially because of the historical context of the pilgrims and Native Americans (let's be politically correct, shall we?), but really we should practice the spirit of thanksgiving year round. Gratitude goes a long way. When you try to be thankful for all the little things, suddenly you feel a sense of wealth even if it's not backed up by tangible money. Problems, stresses, and otherwise insignificant daily deficits seem so much smaller. It's easy to get so busy in the fast paced highways of the day to day that we forget to actually stop and enjoy life's little pleasures.

Last weekend we had a girls trip to the mountains. It was absolutely stunning up there. If there's ever any doubt in your mind that a God exists, just take yourself a little vacay to either a mountain or beach destination. Talk about a faith affirmation... some aspects of nature are too close to perfect to have come about through some mishap crash somewhere in space. Anyway, sister, ma, Grandmama, Aunt B, and "Katy" met up for a nice weekend and had a great time. Gma took a little spill that was quite dramatic and resulted in 6 stitches and quite a shiner, but as usual Catherine/ Pete "The Rock" held up like a champ. She gets the stitches out tomorrow.
Favorite quotes of the weekend:
"Yeah, I've had us locked in since Juno Road."
"Y'all... I bet we're related to Katy Perry."/ "We probably are... on Billy's side."
"Oh we can fit in this parking space. *PLINK*"

In less than 27 hours, I will be ridiculously close to Jason Mraz. I can't begin to describe the elation in my heart right now. And my subconscious is obviously excited because I haven't been able to sleep solidly for the past two nights... so looks like tonight, I'm gonna help that sleep along medicinally. Gotta get my beauty rest!

Practice gratitude sugar... THANK YOU for reading ;)