Mrazzled

That's my new term for myself. Within the past month or so, I feel like I've really experienced a change in my whole being. I have a new attitude towards life. As aforementioned, I'm really trying to absorb and appreciate all the little moments that I'll never get back. I'm trying to not let life's little disappointments get me down. Let's face it, in the past 2+ decades, there has been a whole lot more good than bad... and for that I am thankful.

I've come into a whole new mindset on things. I feel a peace within me that I haven't felt in a long time. My old everyday anxieties and fears (which I have much more than the average person) are very diminished. I feel more trustworthy in my relationships and interactions with life. I know that seems broad... but overall I feel so much more relaxed and peaceful.

I'm very grateful for this. I've had my battles with uneasiness and fear... and getting through the week so I could retreat to my safe place. I really bottomed out in the depression cave near the end of last year. Now, 8 or 9 months later, I feel like a more complete version of myself. God has helped me to do a lot of Cameron rebuilding over the last couple of years. It's funny (well, not really), you don't realize how much of a shell you've become until it's too late. What hurt me the most is when I realized I was hurting others. When I learned that not only my mama, but my daddy could tell something was bad wrong, I wanted to curl up and bawl. Not them. This was only supposed to hurt me! Two of the three people I care most about. That was my wake-up call. You don't mess with my family. And that includes me.

I am a very self-sacrificing person, especially in the romantic relationship department. Or should I say was? I feel like I'm finally selfish enough to know when to realize that I'm skimping on my own wishes and needs. And that probably has something to do with my terribly failed relationships in the past. I think God has pulled me away from more relationships like that because He knows I can't get myself out of them... even when there's really nothing left to work towards.

A wise woman once told me that I'll be an excellent wife one day, but since I'm not married, I need to work on being a girlfriend and knowing when to get out before I'm drug through the mud. Years of that will wear on you. Hence my journey of self-discovery and fulfillment of my early 20s. College has been a different experience for me. It's been a road to independence in a different sort than I think that most go through. I've never been a drinker...although I have post- turning 21. It's just not really my thing. I have to be in the mood to... and not when other people think it's a great time to. I hate having my mind made up for me. I hate having to adhere to pre-made plans that I had no say in. I've finally discovered my own voice, and I seem to enjoy using it now.

So I say all this to be graciously thankful and maybe to encourage anyone who's going through a tough time. I'm living proof that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It's an everyday battle. On the same note, you can make yourself as miserable as you want to be. So do yourself a favor, and smile more... it looks good on you!

"Open up your mind and see like me,
open up your plans and... you're free,
look into your heart
and you'll find love, love, love"

lovin' some Mraz,
cameron